As I went through the motions of my day I thought about the fact that as a sleep deprived mom of a four year old and 5 month old twins, I tend to be too reactionary as a parent. Especially when both babies are crying and my four year old wants something (and he wants it NOW!), or is into something he shouldn't be in to (He is in a stage; I hope it is just a stage!). He sometimes insists on doing things his way regardless of what I've asked him to do, and even warned him how not to do things for his own safety. He likes to learn lessons the hard way. Yes, this sometimes means falling down, getting hurt, or occasionally breaking something (so far no bones!).
As the adult, I can't use the "I'm tired" excuse, because years from now when my kids look back on these days, they won't think, "Poor mom, she was so tired. We really tested her." They will think, "Wow. Mom was a B! She yelled a lot." That is NOT what I want. I don't want to be thought of as "that mom" who (over)reacts to things that in hindsight are really not that big of a deal. So what if the four year old is helping himself to marshmallows for breakfast because I'm busy nursing the babies or he chooses to pour his own RED Kool-Aid in the middle of the kitchen floor and gets more on the tile than in his cup. He won't remember the mess or the sugar crash that ensued two hours later. He will remember the tantrum mommy threw when she snapped at him for getting into things by himself and without permission.
I have to remind myself to breathe. To take a step outside of myself sometimes...to think before I speak as my mom always told me I should when I got upset growing up. I don't want to regret things I say to my children or the reactions I give them when they do something I'm not happy about at the time. I want to teach them. Mold them. Guide them. They will be better kids and later adults because of it. I want to respond to these types of situations in a more positive way. Instead of getting on to them for making a mess, I need to let them know that I appreciate them trying to be a big kid and doing things for themselves, but that they need to ask for help until they are able to be more independent. I need to have conversations with them about their choices. Not give them lecture after lecture. I need to redirect and not belittle them or take my frustrations out on them. There will still be consequences for their decisions (wise or poor) and they need to know that. I can control how they learn from their missteps and I need to lead by example whether I've had sleep or not. I will need to take a pause and take in all of the facts. Was the four year old just trying to help? Was he being a "big boy" in doing something for himself? Is there a lesson to be learned from the situation we've found ourselves in? Did he really mean to hit his little brother upside the head with the bouncy ball? Is he acting out because I need to spend more time with him? Is there something I need to do differently? Did he know that he wasn't allowed to help himself to breakfast?
From this day forward I am challenging myself to be more of a responsive parent and less of a reactionary parent in every situation. I will look for opportunities to help my children grow into responsible, respectful adults and take advantage of teachable moments. I don't want to escalate problems or increase stress for myself or my family. I want to be more gentle in my responses and dissipate conflict in my home. It will allow for better (more positive) outcomes and better overall health (mentally, physically, and psychologically!). It may take extra prayer and meditation but it is a new personal goal and my children WILL hold me accountable.
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